9)   I allow my friends and family to set me up on dates with any man and every man. A montage of disastrous dates ensues. Just when I’m about to give up the most attractive and pleasant guy runs into me while walking down the street. We don’t get a chance to exchange contact information but spurred by our brief meeting he doesn’t rest until he’s found me again.

8)  I’m taken hostage by:

a)  A good guy, forced by desperate circumstances to commit a crime, but as a hostage I’m able to help him conquer the problem and in the process we fall in love.

b)  An evil person, but there’s a group of hostages, one of the others is a brave available guy. Together we fight our way to freedom, and the bond created is so strong that after the ordeal is over we start dating.

7)  I have a long-time platonic guy find, and then I find and start dating what seems to be Mr. Right. But Mr. Platonic knows he isn’t right for me, and has an epiphany that at some point he has fallen in love with me. He finds a way to get Mr. Right to show his wrongness; we break up. And broken hearted I find comfort in the arms of my friend, at which point I realize that I love him.

6)  I find a program that lets me date dozens of guys at the same time and slowly I narrow the group down to my favorite few. In the end there might be more than one guy wanting to ask me to marry him, but I can only choose one. I might break a few hearts in the process but in the end I know I made the right choice; at least for a few weeks.

5)  I pretend to have found the ideal guy to escape the pressure of family and friends. Some event is planned (a wedding, family reunion, etc.) where my plus one must make an appearance. In desperation I hire some guy to pose as my boyfriend, and find that he is exactly what I am looking for.

4)  I find myself in an alternate culture or time period where arranged marriages are practiced and accepted:

a)  I find a man that I fall in love with and I rebel against the system.

b)  My arranged marriage to a virtual stranger happens and after an awkward getting to know each other time. We do in fact fall in love.

3)  I save the life of a wealthy young bachelor. He takes me out dinner as a thank you and by desert he realized that all the money in the world means nothing to him unless I’m a part of his life. We get married and take a yearlong honeymoon to sail around the world.

2)  I become a spy. I’m partnered with an available guy spy. While on a covert operation we are force to cover as a married couple. This brings to light our attraction for each other.

1)  I drive along a lone dark highway during a raining night. And my car breaks down. I’m rescued by a kind available guy who drives me to a little diner to wait out the storm. We spend the evening talking and laughing, which becomes a lifetime together of love and laughter. We return to the diner every now and then to visit the place where it all began. (Possible risk in this strategy: a kind man doesn’t recue me, but rather a crazed psycho. Things turn out a little differently.)

I enjoyed Avatar, however I was also inspired to create a more accurate movie poster using elements from “Dances with Wolves” and “FernGully.”

The confidence factor: Jerks often have confidence (or the ego) to speak what they want or say what they think the girl wants to hear. They lay it on the line, often times making the first approach to start a relationship. Nice guys usually play a waiting game; waiting for the girl to approach or give some sort of signal that she is interested. For most girls to approach a guy she is waiting for the same signals. Which means if both the nice guy and girl are waiting on the other to take a step and nothing happens, and so if Mr. Jerk takes the initiative, why not? Jerks not only carry a confidence, but persistence. They do not accept no as an answer. It should be noted that the opposite gender is not a confidence as you assume, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Ego/confidence and persistence can make a guy a jerk, but it is also something that nice guys can realize as part of their masculine strength. It is a characteristic that is attractive to most girls. Temper it with a caring heart and the combination is powerful, not just in relationships, but in life.

The nurturing female: Girls tend to be more innately more nurturing then guys. They are willing to take on the challenge of mothering or trying to change a jerk. The ability to nurture has been a feminine strength and power since the ancients. Working on changing the guy makes her feel needed. If a girl is not confidant of who she is, she can get lost in the identity of being a Florence Nightingale to emotionally and mentally crippled men. These are the girls of who it is said, “they are worth so much more.” But they have become accustom to being the nurse/fixer, what do they have to offer a guy who doesn’t need a mother?

For the want of love: The want of love is an elemental part of the human experience. When love is elusive there is often a frustration that builds inside a person. There seems to be a few basic ways that this frustration is expressed in girls. (I know I have made some great generalities here)

*The predator: It is the male that is to pursue the female, but when love is elusive, the hunter can become the hunted. Girls will become aggressive, manipulative, and catty. She will stock and capture an unsuspecting guy (a jerk or otherwise). She purrs in the presence of her guy but the claws come out to any threat (real or imagined) that might come against her “love.” Any episode of “The Bachelor” would demonstrate this concept. Guys’ competing for love looks as ridiculous as birds strutting their plumage. But when girls compete it gets down right ugly and nasty.

*The She-Ra Man-hater: the mantra of this group would be “All guys are jerks.” Girls often find themselves here because of the hurt inflected from past relationships. Most who feel this way still have something deep inside them that longs to be loved. The disdain of all males is an expression of that hurt and frustration. It doesn’t matter that a nice guy is into her. She is distrusting and defensive, so until she heals, the nice guy is out of luck.

*Desperado: The want of love drives a girl to take what see can get, even if it Mr. Jerk-face himself. Better to have someone—anyone, then to be unloved and alone. And if they do find themselves with Jerky, maybe, just maybe, because of love he will change.

*Nice guys finish last: Okay guys, this would be an expression of your frustration. My basic definition of a nice guy: one who has a moral character, is genuinely caring, and has a desire to share love (not just take it). First off, even if you do feel that nice guys really do finish last, a victim’s mentality does not attract the ladies. Don’t be a victim; be proud that you are living by your set standards. Meaningful relationships are not about the speed of its coming to be or the quantity, but longevity and quality. Your status of “nice guy” does cost something. But the price is worth it.

Unattached and Okay: There are pro’s and con’s to the single and attached life, take time to know what they are. The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side, just different. Don’t be defined by someone else. Many people will walk in and out of your life, but you must live with yourself for your lifetime. It is better to be frustratedly single then miserably attached. Meeting one person can change your status prospect. And don’t get caught up in the timing of it all. The sweetest of love is timeless. Girls do make stupid decisions in whom they love (and most the time they know it.) Nice guys do make decisions that make them feel like they are losing out (and most the time it is a good decision). This is all done in the quest for love.

(This was first written in 2006)

We tell someone to live like a polygamist; lifestyle that if not for our television entertainment and fascination, we would find despicable. Then we chide that same person for having emotions, feelings, and thoughts that are otherwise so culturally taboo that there is no frame of reference to process any of it.

So the harem, er, group romps around Los Angeles, Seattle, and New Zealand which sounds more like a vacation then standard life. Who among us make the best decisions while on vacation? We see some souvenir that seems wonderful and perfect. Like the 4-foot tall tribal statue we just had to have while on the cruise ship was in port, but once home and out of our vacation induced stupor we realize there is no place for it in our contemporary-styled home.

But the argument is, “Well, he shouldn’t have proposed.” And we would have felt jilted as an audience if he hadn’t. It is an impossible expectation, but one that is constantly fed to us and players involve that we all start believing and accepting it. (Don’t forget the power of self-fulfilling prophecy: “I could get married.” “I want to get engaged.” “I will find my spouse.”) We expect a proposal at the end of the show and we hope it will work. Yet we know that out of the 14-odd seasons, only one proposal has stuck -not good odds. We all know these relationships don’t workout. We see a proposal and a few weeks or months later we might hear a little something about them separating. Oh well, we’ve already moved on to the next fantasy-reality story. Dare I say, it’s about time we got to see the full story arc. Perhaps we aren’t so much upset by the heartbreak suffered by players involved, but it ruined our fantasy of the fairytale. Their relationship was formed in front of cameras, it is completely appropriate for it to end there.

Who among us would champion a personal friend getting engaged after knowing a person for six weeks? We all might carry a greater reservation for our personal friends then we do our “television friends.” Once again it comes down unrealistic expectations -and a fatally-flawed premise, that we all avoid because the taboo of it fascinates us.

Then there was Hollywood’s big dance: the Academy awards, they promised an academy awards like no other. They delivered. There was a feeling (or at least pretense) of solidarity.  When past winners spoke personally to nominees it seemed like “hey, these people respect each other and their work.” Sure there were awkward moments and not all things worked great (i.e. “In Memorandum”). But change was promised, and change is what we got.  We saw a musical performance blending the nominated songs. -I can’t even come up with a witty: “the last thing Washington blended was a _______.”

Yes, comparing Washington and a Hollywood awards ceremony  is apples and oranges, but change is change, right? Both promised change, only one seemed to deliver.

(On a side note I figured out what bugs me about Sean Penn in two words:  intolerant piety.)

So why is race a continual issue in our national identity? Why the fixation (with purported slow progress)?

My intent is not to void the history and the pain of atrocities that have occurred in our country’s past. We do not want to lose site of our history for it provides valuable lessons. But the past cannot be changed (even if our perception of it does). We cannot be held responsible for the actions of our ancestors, but we do carry a responsibility for this present moment and where it will take us in the future.

As the subject of race is continually brought up it disallows a process of transcending race issues. Being constantly reminded of race or the myriad of issues that the subject conjures up allows the issues to continually persist. It is impossible to put an issue to rest when rest is not allowed.

Our nation had years of a physical doctrine of the (never realized) “separate but equal” race relation. This concept might no longer be the written law, but it subtlety persist. What is our desired goal today: race equality or race transcendence? Equality and unity (in transcendence) are not the same thing. Equality (in theory) can be reached by focusing on race and insuring that all are treated in an equal manner. Transcendence (in theory) is when people are valued for who they are regardless of race which also fulfills the desire of race equality. At times it seems as though the highest and only goal is equality. (Which is probably were I get my “white is a color too” reaction from.)

I offer no grand solution of how to cultivate a culture that transcends race, but I am responsible for my actions and worldview. I view people as individuals there are many aspects that go into a person to make them unique (disposition, attitude, fashion style, culture, beliefs, age, gender, race, etc.). The more value that is put on a particular aspect the more that quality will affect the perception of a person. If race is the most important aspect then race will always be an issue; to the point of creating a hyper-sensitivity. This is counter-productive to transcendence since it creates a worldview that makes everything first about race, which can actually perpetuate racism.

It occurred to me (and maybe someone out there has a reasonable answer) but how do vouchers for converter boxes stimulate the economy? The second conundrum was: since when is television viewing such a necessity that government must insure everyone gets a signal.

Owning a television is not a requirement of citizenship or being a part of the society (contrary to what the tv tells you) so why should tax dollars be spent on this? I’m just not sold on the idea.

I’ve never embraced my moments of emotion. I’ve never seen the point to it. It maddens me (which makes me even more emotional). I was a tomboy throughout my childhood and even today I tend to not to focus on the differences betweens guys and gals. But I have never been able to stop these womanly emotional outbreaks. I’m not sure where I got the idea that I needed to. Thinking about it now, it’s something that has always been portrayed as a weakness of the female condition. I don’t like being weak, or feeling out of control.

I asked God what was the point of being emotional without any known rationale. His response: “Because I am not a man.” Man was made in the image of God, true, but woman was also made in the image of God. And I don’t think emotion was part of the curse that occurred when sin entered the world. This means that the attributes of a woman, including her “irrational” emotions, are somehow a reflection of the nature of God. God does not express himself only in what would be considered a masculine nature. He is not a man. And unlike men (or women for that matter) he has a full understanding of his creation that is woman.

When I feel irrationally emotional, emotions are not controlling my life (although it can feel like it); they are simply becoming a major part of it. Emotions are incredibly powerful (maybe my next question to God will be why He decided to create emotions in the first place). No wonder there is such force to get them out of whack, skewed, and generally messed up. Screwed up emotions can debilitate a person, but healthy emotions enhance life.

I have no explanation why I cry, or what brings on the high-keyed emotions, and I’m embracing the idea that an explanation is not required. How many mysteries of heaven are hidden in a woman’s ‘irrational’ tears? For the first time I can see these moments as being okay. I still don’t understand them (and probably never will). I still don’t like it, but I have a new found peace about it; an acceptance. By the time I got home from work I found myself crying and smiling, and generally feeling okay about my irrational moment. Woman’s emotions are something that God completely accepts, understands, and probably designed for a purpose. I think I have only begun to understand the strength that can be found in this “weakness of the more delicate sex.”

1. Life does not begin until “true love’s first kiss.” Literally. Princess (and often times her entire kingdom) is captured, drugged, comatose, oppressed until a man shows up in her life and then love conquers all and life is able to truly begin. Granted romance enhances life, but the fairytale tells us that it is the fulfillment of a young woman’s life is finding Prince True Love. Upon meeting Mr. Prince all the trials and tribulations of life fade with ‘but a kiss.’ And until the this ‘kiss of life’ happens life is either miserable or, at best, lost in doldrums.

2. Princess always gets her prince, because without him, the years would pass by and she would find herself middle-aged and single, which is exactly the description of the evil witch found in our fairytales. So the equation would be: no man + the march of time = a woman who compensates for her lack of man by being career driven or crushing the souls of others. Now if the witch lives long enough (those pesky princesses and princes can be so combative against her) she might make it to the grandmotherly age where she could hope to be a benevolent fairy/quasi-deity who lives only to help others since she has no life of her own. She vanishes in and out of reality.

3. While a princess is to be kind, caring, open hearted, and a genuinely good person, all this dims in the light of romance. Princess is attractive because of her good qualities and this of course is why she gets the guy. Love is a powerful force. There is a universal desire to love and be loved. But we diminish the gamut of love when we focus on only the romantic facet. Romance is a type of love hyped up on the caffeine of emotion. Romance is not consistently sustainable since emotion is the most unstable element of the human condition.

4. There is a lack of viable alternatives to the fairytale standard. Not told is the story of a woman who lives a fulfilled life (that does not include soul-crushing) without Prince True Love. She’s a woman who would like to have prince around, but has not suspended life until his arrival. Because in the off chance that he doesn’t make his appearance, Princess will still have lived life to the fullest. After all, we tell our daughters that they are princesses yet we neglect to tell our boys that they are princes. This lapse must be to avoid the sexist stigma; since we live in a post-feminist culture were being a Prince means that he would be a rescuer, a protector, a dominator- a sexist pig. And yet we tell our girls that he holds “true love’s kiss.” Sorry guys, you seem to need to be nothing and everything to a woman at the same time- good luck knowing what to do about that one.

So, life is no fairytale; this is not news. Yet the fabled stories persist. They carry universal themes and good old fashion story telling. This is to say that the stories do have merit, but they are not without fissures. Yes, let us tell stories that champion love, goodness, and dreams. But it is important to realize the unconventional and persistent themes when we create the expectations for girls to live as Princesses.